You Are The Universe
by PokemonTanya
Summary: Dan Howell moved from place to place for 17 years, 16 because of his father's job, the last because of himself. Closed off, introverted and with a sarcastic tongue he meets Phil Lester, the sunshine snowflake baby. 2 completely different people. 2 people with secrets. If you really desire something from the heart, the whole universe will conspire to fulfill your heart's desire.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1 : The 17_ _th_ _New Beginning_

 _When you're awake at night, you know you're awake for either a few reasons, they could be because you've either just gotten your heart broken, it's summer vacation or you know you've lost yourself completely and don't know what's happening anymore. When you're awake at night completely lost in your thoughts or just staring at your ceiling, wondering what happened to you, you know you've lost yourself._

 _When you're awake at night, trying to figure out what went wrong and when and this dark feeling starts spreading through out your whole body, through each and every fiber, through your skin, through your cells and down to even your atoms, you know that after sometime this dark feeling will welcomes you so much and so you continue to lie there._

 _And when the sun comes out, it's a struggle for you. So much of a struggle for you because your body doesn't have the energy to pull your whole entity out of bed neither are you mentally capable of doing so, you know that you need help, you know that you're scared for your life, you know that you wish someone saw and someone helped you but you, you won't do anything._

My body had become accustomed to this weird feeling now and it welcomed it with a familiarity and so did my mind. My hands were held a little bit above my face as I studied them, how come they looked so unfamiliar to me, all the ridges and curves that were on them ? I felt like I was left alone in this darkness until the sun came out and reality had yet again set in that this was another day, another day I would make it through sluggishly, another day I would be new to a school, another day, same as yesterday.

I looked at the way the sun had slowly danced into my bedroom,go back I would beg it but the sun wouldn't listen to my silent pleas. The bits of dust and particles that hung in the air, I could ogle at them all day long, they seemed to dance every time I would swoosh my hand.

"Dan! I hope you're out of bed!" I heard someone shout out for me, their voices sounded so distant to me. I didn't have the energy to scream back at them that I was awake. I had been awake for the past five hours.  
The indicator that I gave that I was out of bed was the splattering sound of the shower droplets that fell against the floor. The water was cold, another surprise. Just like my existence, this was a fucking let down.  
I was done within thirty minutes of showering that included shampooing my hair, soap on my body, face wash and brushing my teeth. Hygiene wasn't something to be avoided. I kept scrubbing my fingers long and hard, harder, harder, harder. The skin at the palm of my hands always seemed to be coming off. I didn't know whether it was the water that was running down my cheeks or was it my tears.

I wore my undergarments and the uniform of the school that I would be freshly attending, very quickly. It was a grey colored pant with a white shirt, a grey tie that was the same color as the pants, and socks that were white. Seems like I'm attending a funeral. Yay. Can I already be the indecent person who laughs at a funeral ? I mean I am already a laughing stock over here in my home where everyone pretends to be happy because over here, we fake our feelings and push the truth and real feelings at the farthest point of the human mind as possible. Everything, in this place, is fucking sunshine, I guarantee that when you enter this place the atmosphere isn't what will make you want to leave. It's the people. It's me. I will make you want to leave. Why ? Because I'm the fucking embodiment of Winnie the Pooh. I hope you've noticed the sarcasm by now.

I straightened my hair so it would fall slightly across my forehead, pulled my socks up, straightened my tie (well at least that is one thing straight with me aside from my hair) and went down stairs where I was greeted with my mom putting an omelet onto my plate.

"Well Dan, excited for your first day ?" My mom asked me extremely chipper about the fact that this was probably my seventeenth, 'first day'.

"Feeling the same as the past sixteen first day's mom. Only thing missing here is-" I started to say something and my mother cut me off and said, "I know what's happened… I know.. But it's hard on all of us."  
"Doesn't seem like it." I said as I ate the breakfast.

"The previous seventeen times were because of your fathers job and the last time.. you know very well."

"Mom, I know very well. New place, new beginning but that's a load of bullshit and you know very well that the past will never leave you. It's always there."

"If you have the time to talk like that to your mother then you better get going to school Dan. Don't spoil everyone else's morning as well." My father interrupted us as he put his paper down.

"Well then," I said as I put on the most sarcastic smile, "Daniel Howell is done this his food and will now take his leave. I hope you all have the most fantastic mood once my presence has the left the door." I put my plate into the sink, put on my shoes and grabbed my school bag. I had already visited the school yesterday so the directions were fresh in my mind, I could hear my mother call for me in the background but I didn't pay heed. I wasn't needed there and so I wouldn't be there. Fuck it.

As I walked towards the school, silence engulfing me and the slight breeze of spring surpassing me, it felt okay. I liked being alone now, it was like me and the silence had become close lovers. In the distance I could see the school coming and closer to me I could see a boy with short black hair and his laughter was left ringing and echoing in my mind, his smile was fucking beautiful like Jesus had taken the fucking efforts to fucking make this wonderful human being in front of me.

I hand instinctively went to my chest where my heart was located. _Come on, don't be this stupid. Not at first sight._

I knew I had this cold aura that surrounded me intensely so no one would try talking to me either, wonderful isn't it ? When you don't want to talk to anyone and a cold aura appears surrounds you completely and makes you unapproachable, wonderful right ? I tried being intimidating but the truth was far fetched from what I acted like.

I found my class and sat at the back of it. Since it was a new year, I didn't expect anyone to be here to know each other and so it would be like I was anyone else. I took out the book I had been reading, 'Buffy the vampire slayer' and it seemed amazing at the time (Still does).

I heard a laugh next to me and I looked up from my book and saw the same boy as I had seen in the morning sit beside me. Wonderful isn't it ? Just fucking wonderful. He was talking to a few other girls and boys when he noticed my eyes that were on him. He smiled at me and was going to say something but I looked back into my book and started reading again. These girls were so loud and all of them seemed something out of a romance manga like Ao Haru Ride or something.

"Irritating." It escaped my lips and luckily no one heard it because I said it softly and plus everyone seemed to be already in groups. Good. I didn't have to please anyone now or abide by some laws that were made by friendship. Our teacher entered soon and hushed us down.

"Everyone, the person to your right or left is now your partner for the rest of the year and most of your subjects. Get a long well please. And I will give you five minutes to talk to them."

I looked towards the boy on my right. THAT boy.

"So I'm Phil and I'm guessing you're Elsa ?" He said, trying to crack a joke. Whatever.

"I'm Dan." I said in my normal monotone voice.

"Why are you so angry or cold or whatever you are ?" He asked me, still with a smile.

"Why ? Does it bother you ?" I asked in a tone filled with malice.

"Yes, in fact, it does. And what's your full name ?" Phil asked me.

"Well, as you can see, I really don't show emotion towards other people or actually care about their wishes and honestly, I don't even care about you or anyone else. I really just want classes to start, to give my exams, to pass out of here, get a job and then travel away leaving everything."

"I'm going to try to lighten up your mood and I'm going to be your irritating-friend-partner-type-person-who-is-your-friend thing."

"Do you not understand ? I don't need you. " I said.

" I do understand but-" He was cut off as the teacher spoke up and started teaching us a lesson.

I was glad when she started teaching because now, I could concentrate. The only thing disturbing the silence was the scribble of pen or pencil against paper, the turning of paper, the air conditioning and the breathing of people. Shut up. Please. Everyone is such a fucking waste of space and air and oxygen. Peasants everywhere! Everybody's a peasant!

Phil, he was disturbing me. Disturbing me so much with his scribbling down something into some old sort of notebook. I tried so hard not to pay attention to him but that jackass baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby kept on drawing; I think; into his book. For fucks sake mate, could you stop and pay attention ? As if on cue, Phil looked towards me and smiled, looked back down and continued doing whatever the dipshit was doing.

A sheet of paper fell out of his book and he didn't notice it. I picked it up and put it in my desk. Soon the period ended and I started getting up to switch to the next class (hurray) when Phil pulled on my sleeve.

"Yes you fucking jackass baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby ?" I snapped at him. Sunshine snowflake basically meant a snowflake made out of sunshine.

"Woah, that hurt. You don't have to be so… cold… Elsa." Phil said, laughing at his little poor joke. I bet his penis is smaller, I don't even know where that thought came into my mind.

"Why did you tug on my sleeve ?" I rolled my eyes.

"All our classes happen in the same class, meaning the teachers will come to our class and we don't move out." Phil said, smiling yet again. Damn you god. You planned this,didn't you ?

"Wow, that seems convenient." I said sitting back down. I remembered that I had kept his sheet of paper with me. I pulled the sheet out of the desk and handed it to him.  
I saw his eyes flicker with a sudden worry and then return to normal, I couldn't really say the same about his ears, they were as red as a baboons butt.

"Don't worry you jackass baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby, I didn't read whatever you scribbled down onto that paper. Remember that I don't care ? So calm yo ass down." I said and slumped back into my seat.

He just held the paper against his chest and sat down. He didn't try looking at me after that. I reached into my bag to find out the class schedule but I couldn't find it at all. Phil handed me his. We were supposed to have Mathematics, go the power of trigonometry, go the power of triangles!

An old looking teacher walked in and sat down. White hair growing from his ears, you could probably braid that much hair, he wore thick black spectacles and a white mustache that could have been a beard. He finally spoke up, "Your mathematics teacher is absent today. That goddamn mother fuckin bastard isn't going to arrive for another cursed week. Partner up and do something."

I pulled out a book and was about to start reading when Phil turned over and took my book from me.

"C'mon, I'll show you around the school." He said, smiling at me. Oh my god. LOOK AT THAT FACE. NO NO NO NO NO NO.

"But won't the teacher-" I was cut off when Phil turned my head over to the teacher and I saw that he was sleeping. I smiled and Phil, "Thanks..." I murmured.

"Hey Elsa, you talked to me without calling me jackdonkey baby of a sunshine snowflake combined with a tele tubby." Phil said as he got out of his chair.

"Jackdonkey ?" I cocked an eyebrow at him, "I bet you don't swear." Phil nodded his head. We started walking around the school campus and I saw huge tree in the distance.

"What's that ?" I asked Phil pointing towards the huge tree.

"That's a tree." He answered blatantly.

"No shit man, someone should give you a medal but what's it doing here ? or the point ?"

"Oh, when I was in kindergarten, my class and our teacher planted that tree. I remember she told us that one day even the tree with it being linked with the circle of life or something like that. I really don't remember, I only remember because of the Lion King honestly speaking." Phil said and looked at me, "Do you want to go there ?" He asked me. I nodded my head.

We walked in silence, silence that had become my friend, my lover and me. It was beautiful for me. We reached in barely two minutes, the tree wasn't as big as I thought it was but it had so many branches and it was a cherry tree. It was magnificent!

I sat down underneath and just sat, didn't talk or move. Phil sat down next to me. We didn't say anything or do anything.  
"You seem so intimidating." Phil said, breaking the silence that engulfed us.  
"I'm as violent and intimidating as a pink butterfly that's stuck on a marshmallow." I said, smiling a little. I tried being intimidating all my life, I guess my cold ass motherfucking aura handled that.  
Phil started laughing and pretended that he was a butterfly stuck on a marshmallow.

"You're new here right ?"

"How did you guess Amazing Phil ?"

"Because you haven't grown up here, this place isn't that big honestly. Everyone usually knows everyone by face or through someone, even the wallflowers. Also, your speaking style and the way you carry yourself is different, if that makes any sense at all." Phil said as he got up.

"Yeah well, you're right. New here." I said, running a hand through my hair and getting up.

"Hey, we're going to have a party this weekend, like a welcome-back-to-school-cum-new-grade kinda party. Would you be interested in going ? I don't know many people so um.. yeah." Phil said as we started walking back.

"I don't Phil, it's not my thing you know, going to parties, getting wasted or any of it." I said.

"C'mon! I could introduce you to people!" Phil said as he skipped a little. My hands slid into my pocket.

"I'll see Phil." I said. My anxieties were screaming in my hand saying ' _Gurl you can't even handle ordering Pizza on the phone, what you gonna do at a party ?_ '

"Oh and Dan, you stopped calling me a jackdonkey whatever whatever and you're right, you're as intimidating as pink butterfly that got stuck on a marshmallow." Phil winked at me as he ran back to class. I laughed a little.

The rest of the school day went by fast, I didn't look at Phil again until school was over for the day.

"Want to go home with me Dan ?" a voice said, I looked up from packing my books, it was Phil.

"Um," I said and looked behind and saw his friends standing and waiting for him, "No, it's alright. You're friends are waiting for you. I'm not good at-" I was cut off when one of his friends called out to him, "Oye! Phil c'mon on man! We're going to be late!"

Phil looked at me, "It's okay Phil, go."  
"See you tomorrow Dan!" Phil said and went with his friends.

I walked back home listening to music and thinking. I just realized that my nature changed drastically as I spoke to Phil. Why ? Did I start trusting him ? No, it can't be. It really can't. Maybe because it's the first time in 15-16 years someone's actually tried being friends with me ? I don't know but I really can't, CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT fall for a straight boy like Phil. Phil with the nice eyes that had specks of blue, green and gold in his eyes, the nice smile, the OH MY FUCKING GOSH NO, NO, NO DAN HOWELL YOU CANNOT DO THIS.

I removed my shoes and entered home, my mom was watching some TLC, 'Say Yes to the Dress' was coming on. I sat down next to her, pretty hungry.

"How was you first day ?" She asked while turning towards me.

"Pretty… okay, I guess. I got invited to a party." I said as I ran a hand through my hair.

"Oh… OH! Do you want to go ?" She asked.

"Not sure, what's there for food though ?" I asked.

"Some pasta and toasted bread."

"Could you serve please ? I'll go wash up and come." I got up and started leaving when I heard my mom say, "Dan, you seem… okay. Did you make a friend ?"

"I think…"

-x-  
Hey Everyone!  
PokemonTanya here. I hope you've all had a wonderful new year and amazing years and lives ahead :D This is my first Phan fanfiction. I would really appreciate it if anyone and everyone could leave constructive criticism. I'm also deeply apologetic for not writing for so long. I've had writers block and in addition to that I have my final school exams coming up, after this, I'm straight going to college! I love you all, you all are beautiful and worth it!  
Love,  
PokemonTanya.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 : Let the games begin

There was a new boy in school, his name was Dan. That's all I knew. I had been walking with my friends and started walking backwards, that's when I saw him with his hands in his pocket, headphones in and somehow in this stupid old place, the sun had chosen to fall on him, it fell absolutely perfect.

It may sound like a movie but my heart started beating so fast that point of time. I prayed silently to someone, anyone, the universe ? Please let this boy and I become friends. Dear Universe, please, I beg, please, please, please let us become lovers and if we do, I will never make this boy cry and I will love him with all my heart and I will actually do what I love and I will make sure to make a difference and make my life count.

I saw him look up and I looked down and laughed, luckily one of my friends had cracked a joke and everyone was laughing, so I didn't seem out of place. I knew my ears were turning red. Oh gosh Phil Lester, calm down. He's just a boy. Who knows, maybe he's stupid or unattractive or extremely superficial, your heart would break then wouldn't it ? I kept on trying to calm myself down but I really couldn't. I had a few friends but I tried my best to get along with everyone. I was that person whose shoulder everyone would cry on but no one would actually ask me how I was.

I actually had just two super close friends, PJ and Chris. PJ and Chris were closer to each other than they were with me but I couldn't blame them, they had grown up together so yeah. I only became friends with them back in the eighth grade when the three of us were put in the same class. We became super close over Pokemon and Dragonball Z and being awkward.

But, I still wanted a best friend you know ? The friend you would call up at two in the morning and complaint about something. That best friend that you would always have, no matter what. That best friend who you could talk to about any and everything ranging from, boyfriends to boogers to how weird your morning poop looked to some new show to an awkward rash on your back. I wanted a best friend that I would fall in love with one day, and the friend in love with me. I had written over so many ideas about dates and the feeling of love, like it would run through out my body like fire and electricity, the kind of love that I wanted et cetera all in one book that was now tearing, the pages falling out and the leather bound cover now was giving away at the edges. This book had my name on the front page with stickers of golden stars, smiley faces, cats and unicorns. This book was super important to me because inside my deep dark secret was written on the third page in bold and simple hand writing:

I AM GAY

I had known since I was fourteen, I think or maybe when I was fifteen. I hadn't actually come out to anyone, I kind of stayed back in my little closet.

It turned out that the boy that I had hopelessly fallen in love with at first sight ( _authors note: or should I say site because Dan and Phil met because.. you guys get my point right ?_ ) was not only in my class but would also be my partner. He seemed inapproachable, it seemed as if though he had decided to surround himself in this cold air, he looked intimidating as well with side bangs just like the one I had but it was on the opposite side as compared to his.

My head started bursting with reasons and thoughts as to why he was the way he was. Maybe he just came to realize that he was gay ? Scratch that, that one was for me.  
Impression formation and attribution. Impression formation is where an individual starts forming an opinion or an impression regarding someone or something, in attribution the person goes on to further explain why or what had led to the cause or the event. I was doing that about this boy, forming an impression and adding attributions.

He was reading something, I couldn't see the title cover but I don't think he realized that he smiled to himself and in that tiny fraction of a second I saw that he had dimple and thank you Universe for that blessed sight.

I started talking to him but it felt like my mouth wasn't listening to what my brain was saying and my heart was interfering with everything. All in all I knew I was looking absolutely stupid whilst I spoke to him. I wanted to sound smart and cool but I came out all goofy and happy.

What did you do body ? You let me down but it's okay body and organs, I still love you.

His name was Dan. He said that he didn't care about anyone. That hurt because I already was starting to care about him. _Philip Lester, please control your emotions_. We started our first period of the first day of the first semester of the new school year. That's a lot of firsts, maybe even my first best friend-best friend who is also my boyfriend. _Keep your emotions at bay, you do not want to get your heart feeling sad_.

He got up and started to leave, I don't know why though but I understood quickly that maybe in his last class they had to move to a different class for a different subject. I told him to sit back down and he did. He even gave me a paper of mine that I had fallen out of my book without actually looking at it. It was the one where I had written about him, describing him. I felt so luckily that he hadn't read it. Normally, anyone would have read it and I would be announced as gay and pushed out of the closet and I was not ready for that right now.

I asked him if I could show him around the school and he agreed. I was glad that I was the one who asked, I knew that so many girls wanted to ask him out and around but they were all still fazed by his cold aura. I felt a snicker of happiness swell up inside of me. _Well hello there Evil Phil_.

I even showed him the cherry tree that we had planted. I even invited him to party that was this weekend, it was being thrown by one of the former 'Kool Katz' members and that's why I was invited. It was supposed to be something about our new start and our last year or something like that. PJ and Chris told me when we were walking, when I saw Dan. When my heart started racing.


	3. Chapter 3

You are the Universe  
Chapter 3 : Deal ? Or no deal ?

My mom had served me food by the time I had come down from washing up. The pasta was delicious and the toasted bread went well with it. My mother, I knew, kept on peeking looks at me and sometimes it felt like with every exhale she took, a little whisper exited carrying a message of _'what happened at school today Dan ?'_

I just smirked on the inside, it had been a long time since I've seen my mum behave like a child who was even barely sitting on the edge of her seat.

"Well Dan, since you won't tell me," my mum's voice blared as she got up from the couch, "I'm going to ask you, what happened at school today ?" She came and stood right in front of me.

"Nothing mum. You're behaving like I may have snogged a girl." I said as a little laugh escaped my mouth.  
"Oho! But you laughed Dan! It's been such a long time since I've even seen you smile. An actual smile not one of your wiseass smiles!" My mum said as her hand instinctively went up to brush my hair aside.

"Mum, drop it. I guess, I'm just satisfied that no one actually caused any trouble as such here, you know. No one noticed me aside from this boy, Phil, who even invited me to a party this weekend."

"Jesus Dan! It's the first time you've been invited to a party since the fifth grade! And it's the first time someone's even tried talking to you since the seventh grade!" My mom was smiling from her ears, she danced a little too, "maybe you'll want to go ?" my mum said with a little tone of her questioning me.

"I'll see mum." I said and suddenly I could feel my mood dampen for some reason. I could feel my mood changing. I think my mum noticed it as well.

"Well, if two more people, two more students, talk to you by tomorrow, then you have to go for the party. Deal ?" she stretched her hand out, waiting for me to shake it.

I slid my hand into hers and with a little hesitance I said, "Deal." And with that I got up and went to my room. I didn't know what was wrong with me, one moment I was happy and cheerful and the next, I wanted to be left alone. I started playing 'Immortals' by Fall Out Boy and doing my homework.

I spaced out completely, I was just concentrating my entire body on the homework that was in front of me. I wasn't bad at math but not good at it either, I kind of just slid by it. I didn't mind that though. I anyways wanted to take up law in college. I don't remember why I took up math in the first place. Strange.

I realized that I finished most of my homework by seven in the evening. I laid in my bed, looking up at the ceiling. It was one of my favourite ways to pass time. I was getting bored today so I decided to watch some Adventure Time on my laptop. And that's when I noticed one new notification, it was a friend request and it was from Phil Lester. Internally I had two reactions, one where I giggled and the other one where I went 'why ?' with a sigh. Usually I was the latter about everything. Except maybe anime and games and manga. I accepted his request. I could see he was online and he already started typing.

'Hi :3' he sent me a message.

'Hello.' I responded with no emoticon what so ever. My personality was as sad on chat as it was in real life.

'R u cmng 2 school 2morow ?'

'I won't be coming to school if you type like.' I hit send.

I didn't feel bad about telling him at I didn't approve of the way he was typing on chat with me. Unless you're text messaging someone, typing like that should a be a crime or it should be taxed. Fuck tax tampons, that's a necessity but no one should type like that.

'Fine then. So will you be coming to school tomorrow ?" He asked me again.

'I don't have a reason not to.'

'Lol! Do you want my friends and I to come pick you up then :D ?'

'I can walk myself to school.'

'So, I'm taking that as a yes. I will be there at 6.30! Oyasuminasai! Lol, I'm such a nerd! I bet you don't know what means ;)'

'It's Japanese for good night. You're not the only nerd.' I sent that message to him and logged off. I watched two episodes of adventure time before my mum could call me down for dinner.

"I guess Dad's not coming for dinner. Again." I said as I sat down. My mother served us both food and finally said, "I guess not. He works so hard for us."

"Joy. What's the point of him working so hard if he can't even share a single meal with us ." I said before I even realized what I was saying. I was such a shitty kid. _God, you can strike me down with electricity right now_. Why couldn't I just be normal and sympathize with my mum ? I just had to be a shitty kid now.

My mom didn't say anything and that was enough of a cue to let me know to shut up. Usually my mom would talk to me and take my bullshit but when she fell silent I knew that I had hit a nerve. We ate the rest of the food in absolute silence. I didn't even try talking, much less making eye contact with her.

My dad came home around ten just when I started heading up to my room to sleep (I didn't actually sleep.) He seemed a little haggard today, more than usual. I wanted to ask him what was wrong but decided to shut up. Am I a bad person ? I could feel myself become irritated. I don't even know why.

I smiled at my dad, one of my fake smiles, I started heading up when my mum called out to me and said "Dan, honey, did you take your-"

I cut her off and said "Yes. Yes I did. Don't worry." And went up to my room. 

I switched off the lights and started getting in my bed when I remembered that I hadn't checked out tumblr today. So I got out of my bed and grabbed my laptop, I put it on the lowest brightness setting and started scrolling through the magical world of tumblr that could scar anyone who was novice in this area.

It was one when I realized that I had been scrolling and reblogging for two or three hours. I shut my laptop off and lay in bed with my eyes closed. Tonight was a good night, I could feel my body and mind drifting off into sleep. I saw blue eyes and that's all. This was the first time in six months that I actually slept.

I woke up on time though exactly at five thirty. I repeated my routine and was ready by six fifteen. I ate some cereal and at six thirty I left home. I stood outside my home for a few minutes, I didn't see Phil anywhere. I guess he would have forgotten.

I started walking when I heard some say, "Oi! PJ! Chris! Walk faster, won't you lads ?! I have to pick up one more friend!" I knew the voice. The voice of Phil. So I went back to where I was and sat down on the pavement, I could see him see me in the distance but I didn't think he knew that I saw him. So I got up and started walking. I felt someone pulling me back. Phil's hand rested on my elbow. He was panting a little and he said, "I said" he huffed, "I would be here" he huffed, "At six thirty. And I am!"

"It's actually five minutes past six thirty." I said, smirking.

"Ah! This is the Dan!" the boy with the curly hair, PJ (?) said.  
"This is Elsa!" Chris (I think) chimed in from the back.

I waved at them. Phil turned towards them and said, "Don't worry, he's actually as intimidating as a pink butterfly that got caught on a marshmallow."  
PJ and Chris started laughing. I could feel my face turn red.  
Chris slapped my shoulder lightly and said "All just fun lad! Let's go guys. We're gonna be late otherwise." It felt weird walking with other people, I had grown accustomed to walking alone, being by myself and now having three people walk with me… I felt like a fish out of water. 

Chris and PJ were talking about the party that was going to take place this weekend and time-to-time, Phil would chime in and say something. I just walked and listened to what they had to say. They were pretty excited for this party since it would be the first of the last parties of their school lives, the first of last times they would all get together before going their own separate ways, the first of last time that some kids would get drunk and how Chris, PJ and Phil would take embarrassing pictures of them. And for me, it would be the first time in years that I may actually go to a party. WAIT! If Chris and PJ became my friends that meant that I would have to go to the party.

I wasn't used to going out much, I just usually sat at home, watched anime or some cartoons, read manga or listened to music. I never felt attached to anyone or anything as such.. Except…

 _No Dan, don't think about it. Don't. Shove it at the back of your mind. You're starting anew. Please…_

Phil tapped my shoulder and I came back to the present.

"So you're coming right ?" Phil asked me.

"Huh ?"

"Bloke, are you comin' to the party ?" Chris said as he took the famous Michael Jackson 'Ow!' stand. PJ slapped Chris on his stomach and laughed, they started talking to each other and doing some MJ moves whereas Phil's eyebrows started burrowing together.

"Um… I really don't know guys. It-It would be the first time I-" I was cut off by Phil who jumped in immediately and said "Then it's settled! You're coming with us to the party

"Don't fucking make my decisions for me." I spat out at Phil and walked away. I could feel my face turn red and I knew that I had made a mistake.

 _Great going Dan! Destroy the only friend you've made! The only friend who actually seemed interested in you ! Great going Dan! You destroyed further possible future friendships ! How amazing are you Dan! So. Fucking. Smart. Why do I keep screwing myself over ? Just for once I want to be normal and not be a prick._

I was just happy that Chris and PJ hadn't hear what I had said. I was walking a little ahead of Phil and behind Phil, Chris and PJ were walking. I guess they would have realized that something went wrong between Phil and I. They were smart enough to not interfere.

I went to the class and Phil sat next to me. He pulled out his book, that old leather one which was tearing to pieces and started working in it profusely. A few girls would come now and then, they would try to talk to Phil and he would respond but not as cheerful as always. I heard one of the girls ask him,  
"What's wrong Phil ?" As she twirled her hair.

"I didn't get enough of sleep last night, that's all." He said and laughed.

"Philip Lester, you better take care of your health!" Another girl said, for some reason when her voice replayed in my mind it sounded like she was from the south side of the United States of America. Look at me getting my 'MURICA on.

The bell rang and the teacher walked in, the same substitute as yesterday but today, he had something planned for today.

"So one of you idiots complained that I didn't do anything the last time I was here, so for today partner up and write a story about something." The old geezer spoke, collapsed on his chair and fell asleep.

A student was about to say something, it would have been most probably about the fact that it was supposed to be Math and not English, but then again everyone already turned towards their partners and started working, not forgetting that the substitute has slept off. Phil turned towards me and I turned towards him… Goddamn it, I felt so bad. He didn't say anything, not that I expected him to. I just stared at his face whilst he stared down into his book.  
 _  
'Dear Phil,  
I am sorry.  
From Dan.'_

I wrote that on a piece of paper and gave it to him. I turned back into my chair. He opened it and read and then smiled.

 _I usually would never even tried fixing something but for once in my life, I was actually feeling genuinely bad from the inside. I didn't want to see Phil hurt like that. Truth be told, I wanted to be friends with Phil. I don't even know why. I know I am a shit head, a basic dick actually, but I wanted to be friends with him… But something inside of me was still dead. I still felt sad and I still wanted to go away and yet, I wanted to be friends with Phil._

"So what do you want to write ?" Phil asked me.

"I don't know. How about like a Buffy the Vampire spin off ?" I said, I could hear the excitement in my voice.

"Yes! We should definitely do that." Phil said.  
We both started working together.

-x-  
Author's note:-

Hey everyone!  
This will be the last chapter for now because my final exams are starting on Tuesday and finish on April 2nd, so till then I will be on hiatus. Once my exams do get over I plan on updating chapters every other day most probably. I thank you for reading this far. I love all of you and you're welcome to message me on Instagram or here if there is a problem and you want to talk to someone. If you message me on Instagram please do send a picture of Phan so I know it's you guys. Take care!  
You are loved! You are beautiful! You are the UNIVERSE!  
-pokemontanya 


	4. Chapter 4

You are the Universe  
Chapter 4 : It doesn't bother me.

School was a drag for the rest of the day but the good thing was that Dan and I were paired up for almost all the classes that we had together and I was happy. I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to be Dan's friend.

 _Soulmates don't always have to translate to the person that you will get married to, they can be that one friend who will always be by your side, through the thick, thin, light, darkness, ups and downs, they'll come in the form of your pets who will offer you the things they love when they see you sad and crying, they'll come in the form of an artists whose art will leave you thinking for years to come, it will come in the form of music and songs that will always give you goosebumps.  
It is believed in some cultures that souls fall in love, not bodies. So when you're soul is in a vessel again or born again, they will be pulled by a magnetic force back to the soul they fell in love with. The soul never forgets. The bodies maybe different now, whether gender or race, but the souls will remain the same._

It was the last period and everyone was drained out by now. I tilted my head and looked at Dan. He had put his head down, turned towards me, eyes closed. I stared at him. Edward Cullen, where you at ?  
The sun always found him, I felt like that. The poet inside of my mind had started thinking of things and I knew I had to write it down. I opened up my old tattered book and started writing in it.

 _He was born from the sun, he wasn't a god but neither was he a shepherd. He was something different._

That's all I could think of. I had so many tiny paragraphs and one liners written in this book but I don't think I would ever be capable to actually write a book. Dan's glabella would crinkle now and then, then it would relax. I wanted to know everything about him, everything. Does that sound creepy ? I think it does. Goddamn it Phil, don't be a creep, be a dream.

The last bell rang and simultaneously Dan woke up, he looked as if he was almost about to scream and then started coughing on his own spit, goofy yet adorable. I got up from my seat and rubbed his back, patted it a little and gave him so water to drink. His eyes were red as well as his cheeks.

"Bloke, you alright ?" I asked him, as I continued to rub his back.

Dan didn't sat anything, he just put up a thumbs up sign and chugged water down.

"You must be knackered, am I right mate ?" Chris entered class and then I noticed that everyone had left.

Dan nodded, "Alright Phil, I'm fine now. Anyways, where's PJ ?"

Chris looked behind him and seemed gobsmacked, "Bloody PJ he was right behind me a while ago." Chris half walked-half jogged, bobbled his head out of the door slightly and within a few seconds pulled back in.

"PJ is talking to Cassie Peters from the next class. I repeat PJ is talking to Cassie Peters." Chris said as his hands went up to his cheeks, shocked but he still smiled like a Cheshire cat.

"Is this 'Cassie Peters' like the bee's knees for PJ ?" Dan asked as he packed his stuff into is bag.

"Dan," Chris said as he rested a hand on Dan's shoulders, "PJ had and has a huge crush on her. Though I personally don't like Cassie Peters as a person but…" Chris sighed, "But if she can make him happy, so be it." Dan just stood awkwardly there, looking at Chris. The awkward tension between Dan and Chris was so much that I, already being so awkward and gangly, felt even more awkward.

"Anyways Dan, will you be coming for the party on Friday ?" Chris asked as he removed his hand from Dan's shoulder and bent down to tie his shoe lace.

"I kind of have no choice. My mum said that if I made two or three friends then I would have to go." Dan said as he sat on a table, almost tipping over the table in the process and then finally sitting again.

"Well, you made three friends here. Chris, PJ and myself. So you actually do not have any choice but to come otherwise I'll be knocking at your door!" I said as I ran a hand through my hair.

 _Will you be content being friends with him ? Just friends. Nothing more, nothing less ?_ _You might end up mucking the whole situation with him if you try to be more than friends. Think logically why don't you Phil ? You barely know Dan. He could be terribly boring for all you know. But you don't know him and he could be your type , you could be head over heels for him. Move to London, live together, work together, cook together, start a family together and live happily ever after. Together._

Before Dan could even say anything, PJ entered and started jumping up and down, doing the Macarena and dancing awkwardly, "I didn't muck up while talking to Cassie Peters!"

"Yaaay!" The rest of us said awkwardly as watching PJ dance was super entertaining.

"She said she's going to be there at the party on Friday!" PJ said ecstatically. We started making our way out of the school. Dan in close proximity to me and I could almost feel his body heat or maybe that was my imagination.

 _Can you imagine finally kissing the person you've been wanting to kiss for a long period of time ? Does it feel like time stops ? Does your body sync up with the rhythm of the other person's body ? Does electricity run through your body ? Do you feel safe ? Do you feel loved ? How does it feel ? Does the hype live up to it's expectation? Or does it feel like you're kissing a dementor and having your soul sucked out of you or kissing a dog and it's slobbery with saliva. I don't know._

"Hey Dan, doesn't that mean you'll be coming to the party ?" Chris asked.

"I guess so, I made a pact with my mum promising her that I would go for the party if I made three friends and because of the convections of the mum swear and pinky swear, I have to now attend the party." Dan said sounding extremely sarcastic.

"What time is the party ?" I asked.

"I think around seven in the evening and it will go on till midnight I guess or maybe more." PJ said.

"Are we actually going ?" I asked, dragging my voice almost making it sound like a child who was begging their parents to not do homework or have a bath. Chris picked up on that and immediately chimed in,  
"Now Philly boy, you must attend parties or how else are you going to grow up and be a strong boy."

Dan cackled and so did PJ. I looked at Chris awkwardly and said, "Awkward much mate ? You sounded like Mrs. Hall from down the street."

"That was so fucking creepy!" Dan spoke in between gasps of laughter. PJ could only nod his head in agreement as he laughed.

We reached Dan's place and he said goodbye to us.

The three of us continued to walk down to the area where we lived when suddenly Chris and PJ turned around and looked at me and said, "Phil, you so have a crush on Dan."

I was utterly and completely flabbergasted and left hanging , my jaw had dropped down all the way to the center of the Earth. How ? Was it so obvious that I dotted this awkward teenager who didn't give a shit anymore about anyone or anything ? I loved my friends to death, I don't know what I would do without them and if they hated me for something that I couldn't control, that would be pretty sad. I knew I would cry and I wouldn't be able to breathe or be happy for a long point of time either. I wanted my friends to accept me and love me, not to treat me differently because of the person that I was in love with happened to be of the same gender as I was.

"Yes Phil it's that obvious." The other two said in chorus.

I'm not speaking in my mind, am I ?

"No Phil you aren't."

"Shit. You guys, I don't even-I mean I-" I was at a complete loss for words and it felt like there was a frog in my throat, as if sand paper had replaced my esophagus, like a desert in my mouth.

"Phil," PJ said as he placed his hand on my shoulder, "It's okay mate, I don't in the least bit care of who you want to do in your sheets, I don't. It's okay with me. I just hope that he makes you happy and takes care of you because Phil you're so amazing and I don't think you realize that at all."

I looked at Chris who was silent so far, his expression was unfathomable and that made me a little queasy.

"Mate," Chris finally said, putting the eerie silence between us to rest, "it doesn't bother me either, I guess, I've always known so I'm not surprised as such. You never dated girls as such and you always looked at Dan in this way and you usually don't try to be so nice to everyone. You're nice to everyone, don't get me wrong but you're like this super nice and different Phil that comes out when you're in the presence of Dan or even just talk or think about him."

I felt so happy on the inside, I could scream from the mountain tops. I could feel tears welling up and threatening to, chuck it, the tears had decided to flow out. I couldn't stop crying, it felt like a load had been removed off of my chest, like I could breathe.

Was I gay ? I don't know. Did I like Dan ? Yes.

I was so happy just knowing that my friends were okay with me. I thought they wouldn't accept me at all and here they are coming out to me regarding this. It felt good. Maybe soon I would come out to my mom but I guess not so soon because I never saw myself as gay or bisexual or anything else.

I was always so concentrated on studies and graphics and computers so it never occurred to me. It kind of did once when I was thirteen that I was gay because I liked one of my classmates but then I kind of pushed it at the back of my mind because I wanted to study.

So whatever my sexuality maybe, I hope my parents will accept me and love me no matter what. I don't expect my parents to however be totally chill with obviously but I don't want them to be all like, 'you abomination!' 'where did we go wrong ?' 'Go to church! Your connection with Jesus has faded and maybe that's why you need to reconnect with him so he can show you the way'.

I want my parents to tell me that they love me, that my sexuality will never change their feelings about me, about how hard it must have been for me to come out to them-  
But the big question that was hanging over my head like a sword was what was my sexuality ? 


End file.
